With Spiders

by WON TON DEATH

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credits

released 21 July 2014

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Track Name: Jealousy
we went out for bubble tea
you broke up with me
i didn’t cry, i don’t really care
truthfully i was hardly even there

i have never been
a functional human being
i have never been
a calm and caring human being

jealousy

i can’t wait
til the only way that we communicate
is through Facebook likes
and you pretend to look down at your phone
when i walk by

i needed to feel this
i needed you to throw it in my face
fucking silent shame
so jealous that you don’t feel this pain

jealousy
Track Name: Saw Blade
a saw blade that hangs over my neck
your blazer from Zara, it does not fool anyone
the elbow pads, the ersatz tweed
i know what you paid for those loafers

i live in a silver tower by the sculpture park
a bottle of mineral water on my windowsill
and through its emerald gleams the outline of your fleshy torso
my flaccid penis and a jar of bedside Vaseline

a saw blade that hangs over my neck
a drawstring that opens and closes my mouth
the idea that i will never feel better
the idea that i will never feel better

i will never feel better
i will never feel better
Track Name: Keep Going!!
got a script
I cannot stray
will you gimme a stage whisper
when I lose my way?

I am constituted
in the same few phrases
that keep me rooted in melancholy
I want the ecstasy of ekphrasis
oh oh, imaginary places

ahhhh
I am constituted
in the same few phrases
that keep me rooted in melancholy
I want the ecstasy of ekphrasis
I have stagnated
Track Name: I Should Run Away
i’ve got an urge to run
(i should run away)
i’ve got an urge to run
(i should run away)

jerk off a thousand times
won’t change the facts
write a hundred songs
won’t stop the wanton death

pace, pace, pace in your frantic ovals
run tracks in your carpet
you’ll find what you always find

“oh,” I will say, “why would you bother?
you stupid tragic faggot, this is hopeless
listen to the words you sing…”

i have always spoken better in missives
overshare then quickly redact
go in for the kill but step right back

i don’t feel funny
i don’t feel friendly
i feel absolutely fucking insane
i feel dreadfully embarrassed
Track Name: Star-Spattered
dappled light
gives you the pallid cast
of a smallpox victim
or a bottomless hole

star-spattered bladder
and the filth, oh the filth
it does not matter
buyer and seller are both deceased

star-spattered silence
you’re wondering where your life went
star-spattered spirit
i promise you, i can hear it
Track Name: I Can Only Try My Best
i don't wanna die
but what if it never gets better
and i got no way of knowing the future

i can only try my best
i can only try my best
i can only ask myself, "what do you want?"
Track Name: Femme/I Want to Throw Up
make me feel small
make me feel pretty
you decide
you run things tonight

believe me, i need this
there’s nothing like this in the world
and never to quite understand
i need your control
i need your control

make me feel small
make me feel pretty

walking in Central Park
I want to throw up from the zits on my face
I want to throw up in your gaze
I want to throw up from the skin pulled tight on my ribs
every junction on my body becomes a pressure point
every corner fastened with nails locked into pockets of pus and blood
I’m crying for no fucking reason other than that I am tired of myself
I humiliate myself at every turn

I am a body visual in space
can’t get past my own fucking face
I am a body visual in space
can’t get past my own fucking face
in my dreams I am the most beautiful boy alive and I never think twice
in my dreams I am the most beautiful boy alive and I never think twice
I never think twice
I never think nice

i want to throw up
i want to speak its name
i want to be brave
i need to make things change
Track Name: This Weird Feeling of...Fuck, Forget It
vertiginous falls and flights
i cannot describe it now
nothing lasts the time it takes
to parse it out in words
it just really hurts, it just really hurts
it just really hurts, it just really hurts

vertiginous falls and flights
i’m realizing these rhythms of my life
can hardly be sustained
no one and nothing stays

vertiginous falls and flights
brief spell of contentment
then a long abrasive spiral
while i reassess what it all meant
vertiginous falls and flights
and falls and flights that hardly make a life
worth living in and feeling bad about

vertiginous flights and falls
stitch up the cosmos
that i might sleep out this great gap of time
i am away
vertiginous flights and falls
stitch up the cosmos
that i might sleep out this great gap of time
i am away, i am away

i am away
taking a break
from the menacing future
from the anxious present
and from its shameful wake
Track Name: With Spiders
in the farthest, dullest corners
of this light & dust universe,
there float the letters i will assemble
to write out my new life story
and i will call it

a bath-house with spiders
a bath-house with spiders
with spiders
with spiders